Alright, Americans. We need to have a little chat. I realize we've had some hostility lately due to certain elections taking place, but we all need a reality check. America is the greatest country in the world. Period.
Take it from someone who hasn't lived in America for over a year and finally went home for a visit. It doesn't matter if you were on the #trumptrain or #withher. It's time to quit being ridiculous, take a Xanax, and realize what a great country you live in. If you need a reminder, you're welcome to come stay with me and live like a Thai for as long as you can handle it.
What would that mean exactly? Here's a tiny taste of what you'd be giving up:
1. Comfort. It sucks being hot and uncomfortable every waking moment of every waking day. It wears down on your soul. Being back in America in a climate controlled home was the first reminder of how great America is. Prisons in America are climate controlled. PRISONS.
2. Materialism. Don't think you're materialistic? You're wrong. The second you sleep on a hard bed night after night and can't move your back from searing pain shooting through your vertebrae, you'll realize how good you've got it on your shitty mattress from college in your parent's basement.
3. Food. Thai food is great and all, but for every meal every day? No. Just no. Yeah, I got sick eating food in America. But, the vomiting and explosive diarrhea was worth it not to eat another plate of rice. You can get any cuisine from any culture in the world in America. THE WORLD.
Plus, we made ALL of this, and we invented the internet. It doesn't get better than that.
I'm not even talking about your civil rights as an American. I'm talking about the basics that Americans take for granted every single day. Comfort. Stuff. Food.
Seems pretty trivial, right? You can handle giving that meaningless junk up no problem, right? America still sucks, right? We're racist? We hate the gays? We're bigots? The election proves it? Want to leave for the greener grass on the other side? Good. I encourage you to do it.
We're already great. We're the best. GOD BLESS AMERICA.
Besides, people always say experiences like living abroad will change your life. As someone who's done it, I can guarantee you they're right. But, not in the way you think. I didn't have one of those "Oh, goody! I finally found myself" moments while living abroad.
What changed was my appreciation for America. America, you're amazing. You rock. I miss you. I'm in love with you. I can't wait for you to hold me again every night. I envy everyone who wakes up in your borders every day. I'm thankful I was born in the best country on earth.
So, quit your moaning and appreciate what you've got... or move. If you choose the latter, I'll make a wager that you'll come crawling back to the GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE MOTHER FUCKIN' WORLD.
PS - If Hillary can say she'll work with Trump for the benefit of all Americans, then by God, you can too.
PPS - New Zealand, you're second best.