When you live in a small, Thai town, there's only one way to get there: the bus. You aren't close to an airport. There are no trains. You don't own a car. A scooter can only go about 70 kilometers to the next town, which is still the middle of no where, before your ass feels like it's going to fall off. (Trust me; I'm speaking from experience.) So, your one and only option for getting around is on the bus.
This might look like luxury, but don't be fooled.
Standard "first class" coach.
I was so spoiled living in Atlanta next to the busiest airport in the world. I could literally get anywhere, anytime, any day. But, now, I have to plan my life around the bus. I've bitched about Kamphaeng Phet (KPP) before, but I haven't begun to scratch the surface of my rage when it comes to getting in and out of this God-forsaken place. In case you decide to tackle the wretched, miserable, pathetic, abysmal, horrendous bus system of Thailand, here's what you have to look forward to:
- No advance sales. You cannot buy a bus ticket in advance. You buy it the day of IF there are seats. Buses come from big cities (Bangkok and Chiang Mai). KPP is in the middle. If seats are open from people hopping on and off between the major stops, then they'll sell you a ticket. If they're full, you're SOL.
- Amenities. When you do finally get on a coach (Queen's English), you'll be lucky if the air con is working. There's nothing better than sweating in 100 degree heat with 100% humidity on a bus blowing hot air in your face.
Actually, there is something better. Getting stuck on a local bus without air con.
The best part is the metal interior that radiates heat, so you can fully bake alive.
- Snacks. Some buses serve water and snacks while onboard. Be prepared for 5-star cuisine if you happen to get on a bus with this service.
- It's important to note: you should absolutely not get on the bus without food. I've never been more on the verge of murder than when I was on a bus for 7 hours with no water and no snacks.
Packaged meat, again! YUM!
- World class toilets. If the bus does have a toilet, it's probably a squatter. You might be blessed enough for a Western toilet, but it will be self flush. Trying to use the thing is the equivalent of wrestling an alligator. The floor will be covered in water. You'll attempt to hover in the most precarious balance of your life while trying to keep your head from slamming into the wall. They're damn-near impossible to use.
- But, even if it's terrible, I still need a toilet. I have the bladder of an 80-year old woman, and I drink about 10 gallons of water a day trying to stay hydrated. I always, always have to pee.
Assume the position and hope for the best.
Luxury.
- No schedules. That's right, when the bus feels like leaving, it will. Keep dreaming if you think you'll get an ETA on arriving at your destination. These buses make stops all along their journeys because Thai people jump on and off anywhere they please. What should take 4 hours ends up taking 6-7 hours, which makes planning for connecting buses and flights inconceivable.
This might look like a decent seat to sit in for 8 hours, but it's not. Remember: Thais love to sleep on surfaces that have the same consistency as plywood.
At least you get a pillow and blanket on "VIP" buses... that have been used for months by other passengers since Thailand doesn't care about hygiene and cleanliness.
- Entertainment. Thai music videos, TV shows, and movies bring a whole new level to the word "annoying." You might think on-board entertainment is a good idea. But, when you don't know the language, it feels like your ear canal is being scraped out with razor blades. Even with ear plugs, you're going to hear every word of every broadcast. Guaranteed.
The Thai version of the "Price is Right" (aka my slow, painful death).
- Wrecks. As an added bonus, Thai buses are not safe. It's a weekly occurrence that there's some sort of accident involving a bus. Whether the drivers fall asleep or just can't handle some of the deadliest roads in the world, there's a good chance you won't make it to your final destination. "Ride or die" could literally mean die.
Even with the safety issues, non-edible food items, insanely loud music, and toilet puddles, that's not the worst of it. I simply cannot sleep on a bus. These buses sway back and forth with a vengeance. It feels like your head is a ping pong ball being bounced around on the worst rollercoaster imaginable. I'm utterly miserable the entire time and have no escape.
Unlike this guy, who sounded like he was sawing logs with his nose hairs for 3 straight hours.
Buses here are bad for my mental health. I can live with the day-to-day in KPP because I grew up in a small town, which was basically Mayberry (not a compliment). KPP is the Thai version. But, what I can't handle is the extra two days of traveling to get from a major city back into this hellhole.
What could be a 4 (or 8) hour ride on a bus I may (or may not) get a ticket on at a time that may (or may not) change based on how the operator is (or is not) feeling on that particular day has brought me to new levels of insanity I didn't know where possible. And yes, it really is that bad.