A lot of people (read: my mother) have asked me recently why I'm subjecting myself to living in Thailand (a third-world country) when I don't have to. Let's be honest, I ask myself that every time I have to use a squat toilet, drive home in a flash-flood, get eaten alive by mosquitoes, pass out from heat exhaustion, sleep on a cement floor, or want any cuisine on the planet besides Thai food.
So, why am I subjecting myself to this? "Keep your eye on the prize," as they say. I'm not here to make Thailand my forever home. I'm here to travel Asia for an unrestricted period of time. No, it ain't easy. If you're thinking about making the move anytime soon, these are the top 5 tips I can give you to prepare yourself:
- Lower your hygiene standards. Immediately. There's no such thing as sanitary conditions when you're in the third-world. When you go out to eat (and by "out to eat," I mean street food), you're going to eat off dishes washed in the back by some kid with a soapy bucket - if you're lucky. Nothing is "sterile." The food you're consuming sure as shit isn't up to FDA standards. Travelers diarrhea is a daily threat.
- Your personal hygiene is included. You will never feel "first-world clean" while living here. You're going to sweat all day, every day. You will not be able to find soap in any public place. Ever. Taking "too many" showers and washing your hands "too many" times are impossibilities. If you're one of those Howie Mandel germaphobes, good luck.
This is one of the better "kitchens" since it has running water rather than a bucket of soapy water.
- Plan on living in bug spray. Yes, your skin is going to break out in a rash / hives since you'll be covered in deet 24/7 while the chemicals slowly kill you. But, it beats the alternative of contracting Dengue Fever or Malaria. No matter how conscientious you are, you will get bitten by something. Mosquitos, lice, ticks, chiggers, more mosquitos, scabies, bed bugs, spiders, and even more mosquitos are the main bites you have to look forward to.
That one time I thought I had Lyme disease.... or that a really creative spider bit me in an upside down "Punisher" pattern.
- Mentally prepare for the two climates: hell and wet-hell. Hell is self explanatory. It's literally hotter than hades over here. Wet-hell might seem counter-intuitive, so let me explain: when it's the rainy season in Thailand, it's still hot. But, it rains every day to cool things off for about 5 seconds. First, there's a flash-flood because the rain is a solid deluge for approximately 30 minutes. Then, the steam and humidity spike up 1,000,000% to put you right back in hell (i.e. wet-hell).
Oh, you thought I was joking about the flash-floods?
- Learn to live and die by 7-11. Seriously, you can do anything at 7-11: add minutes to your cell phone, pay your water bill, buy booze, purchase a plane ticket, get a mail-order bride (joking... I think?), and, the mecca, buy toasties. Toasties are little God-sends of unidentified ingredients that cure American food cravings, hangovers, and countless other ailments. These things will literally save your life.
"Ham and Cheese" is my favorite. I try not to eat it during the day, so I don't think about what it is too much.
- Get used to racism. Thais are some of the most racist people I know, and that's saying a LOT considering I come from the Deep South. I have a love / hate with their racism. I love it because no one cares if you get offended. Thais say whatever they want, "You're white; you're fat; you have green eyes; you're hair is not Asian; you have a nose!" They aren't afraid to point out the obvious for fear of offending someone because they honestly don't know any better. But, I also hate it. I wish I could go one day without someone trying to touch my skin and yelling "falang!" in my face. For once, I would like to pay the same price as a Thai. Is that too much to ask? Just one day of being considered an equal? I've been living here a year for crying out loud! WHEN WILL YOU ACCEPT ME?*
*Never. The answer is never.
600% mark-up for foreigners. SIX HUNDRED PERCENT.
You might think I'm exaggerating these "tips." If you chose to live in a big city like a westerner, you'd be right. But, if you chose to live like a Thai, you'd be wrong.
So, am I really that miserable subjecting myself to Thai life? No, I'm not. Do I miss the luxuries of the first-world? HELL YES, I do... especially since jails in America have better amenities than where I live in Thailand. But, I'm still not moving home anytime soon. I've got more of Asia to explore. However, when I do finally make it back, the first-world luxuries will be the most welcome things in the universe.
Think you could handle it?