I’m a big fan of logistics. I like things to be as efficient as possible. So, I’m constantly analyzing everything, which usually turns into a huge annoyance for people in my life (Sorry, guys!). It’s in my DNA; I can’t help it. So, I need some guidance here. Can someone, ANYONE, please explain squat toilets to me? Like, for real. Please help me understand this logistical nightmare.
Let me explain…
Standard bathroom at school.
Squat toilets are holes in the ground. First, to use them, you have to get in a deep, deep squat. For someone with a bum knee (like me), the correct form isn’t even in the realm of possibilities. Second, there is no toilet paper. Ever. Thailand does not have the plumbing infrastructure to handle toilet paper. So, they never provide it. If it’s not there, it won’t clog the toilet. Simple. Instead, there is a water hose type apparatus beside the toilet that can most closely be related to a redneck bidet and is used to “clean” yourself.
Let’s be clear about this: you’re squatting over a hole in the ground taking care of business, then you’re supposed to use a water hose that has, most certainly, been in other people’s buttholes. Let’s say you are not a complete germaphobe and actually use the thing. Ok… then your lower half is SOAKING WET afterward. There is no toilet paper. You can’t dry off. Are you supposed to stay in a low squat for the next half-hour air drying? On top of all these logistical issues, girls have the problem of splash back for a simple #1.
Even "western" toilets have the sprayer.
To confuse matters further, the water hose isn’t available in every toilet, which leads to my immense confusion. You’re going #2; there is no toilet paper; there is no water hose. WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO DO? SERIOUSLY? What does one do in this situation? I’ve read other people’s blogs trying to figure this out, and nothing gives me a clear answer?!?!
Standard pit-stop bathroom.
Except this one that suggests the "left-hand" method. Ummm, WHATTTTTTTTTT??? If you actually do this, you better believe there won't be a sink in sight afterward, and there is NO SUCH THING as hand soap in Thailand. If this is what the kids at school are doing, I really need to rethink the "high-fives" I give them when they do something well.
What genius created this flawed system anyway? Clearly, it was someone with the hygiene standards of a caveman. And before you tell me how great it is for the bowels, let me cut you off right there. I DO NOT CARE. It could be the most pleasurable experience in the world. That still doesn't explain what you do about wiping.
Worst one I've seen.
Flushing is a whole different ballgame. There is no automatic-flush. You flush by dumping water into the hole from another bucket of water in the bathroom. The "self-flush." So, not only is water splashing around all over the squat toilet, it’s also all over the bathroom floor. For any squat toilet you use, you'll be wading through a couple inches of cesspool water the entire time you're in there. Umm, gross. No.
To baffle the mind even further, there is clearly plumbing in the bathroom! The buckets of water used to self-flush the toilet are being filled from a pipe with running water. HELLO PEOPLE?! For the love of humanity, install a normal toilet! Can't you see how simple it would be? I feel like I'm taking crazy pills with this nonsense!
The only solution I’ve come up with is to refuse to use them. But, this is a normal thing in Thailand. At school, squat toilets are the norm with only one “western” toilet. Don’t get confused and think that’s a luxury. It still doesn’t have toilet paper, and it’s still self-flush.
If there wasn’t such a huge language barrier between me and the students / teachers, maybe one of them could have explained it by now. But, no one gets my confusion / concerns / disgust… So, please, for the love of God, someone explain!
*Side note: Zoolander is the best movie ever made. I can't wait for the sequel, and I might just have to fly back to the states to watch it in English. If you don't understand the gif above, you won't get this reference, and you might want to rethink reading my blog.